The Pressure

My reminder posted at work…

This week has been tough…. I started it off on the wrong foot and was not sure why exactly. Things have been going well but as I approach my goal there becomes a large amount of self-imposed pressure to see this “magical” number on the scale. I know I have said the scale is not important, but there is some importance to reaching a goal that was started close to 11 months ago. It’s as if this self-imposed pressure will be lifted off my chest when that scale flashes 225 pounds. The truth is nothing will change, nothing at all! I will still eat the same, exercise the same and work towards my new goal of becoming a triathlete and completing a full ironman in 2014. The mental game will change, it will require a new focus. These days I find that my mind is going 100 miles per hour just trying to keep up with this physical change that seems to be going much faster. It all hit me at once this week and I should have expected it.

Up early and ready for my 5:00 AM IMPACT workout

The week started strong and then Tuesday came – I weighed in and was not thrilled nor upset with the results that I got but I knew there was room for improvement. I did my usual quick mental evaluation of the past week and was attempting to set myself up for a strong week. I made some visual flash to keep me reminded that I am so close and nothing is going to stop me! Then the pressure took over, it changed my mood, my thoughts and before I knew it I was resorting back to old habits of the past. I found myself on searches for junk food at work and even eating out of boredom which has not happened in a long time. It quickly put me in a funk and my attitude frankly became crap. I was easily agitated and tried to avoid confrontation out of fear of putting my foot in my mouth or saying something that I would later regret. I knew what was wrong but reached a point where I didn’t know what exactly to do to fix the problem. Perhaps it was my masculine side thinking I could work this out on my own but all it did was make the problem worse. Last night I attended a support group that meets once a month at a local hospital for weight loss surgery patients, it was here I realized I had had enough of keeping this on my shoulders and I expressed my issues and was quickly met with others who experienced very similar problems when this moment came on their journeys. I know it sounds cruel, but I found comfort in knowing I was not stranded on an island here! Anyway the meeting went great and I found myself with a new outlook on my journey and refreshed and ready to work things out. It was time to make the necessary changes again and get back on the saddle or whatever other metaphor that you can think of. 
 
Yesterday was a long day and I didn’t squeeze in a gym workout, so following the meeting I ate my healthy dinner and watched some Oakland A’s baseball (They are on fire) – I had planned to go to the gym but because the game dragged out and I committed to working out at 5 am the following morning so I decided I only had time for a quick run prior to bed. I stepped off my front steps knowing that I had been trying to tackle a goal of mine for a while now, the sub 8 minute mile. I did a few light stretches and decided that tonight was the night I was going to do something that I had not yet been able to accomplish. I synced my Bluetooth headphones to my iPhone and flipped my Pandora station onto what my wife calls my angry music. I clicked back to the home screen to find the Nike+ run app and hit the start run… 3…2…1 flashed the screen and off I ran down the dimly lit street, pounding the pavement with my shoes and leaving nothing behind. Emotions kicked in almost instantly and as I turned the corner of my block. I realized that it was the pressure I was putting on myself that was causing all this unnecessary tension in my life. No one cares how fast I reach my goal weight but me, in fact, if all I got from my life change was to be exactly where I am now from a weight/health perspective my family and friends and even myself would consider this change a success. I am not 452 pounds any more, I don’t have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes or severe sleep apnea. I am not exhausted all moments of the day. I have energy to play with my children and even outlast those two little monsters. I have a wonderful, caring, supportive wife that only wants the best for me. I have a marriage that is strong and only seems to get stronger as time progresses. All of these things I have earned and rightfully so. As I continued to run the cool air quickly came over my face and I experienced a sort of calm that one might not expect when trying to run a personal best mile. It was soothing, the angry music faded and all I was doing was focusing on breathing efficiently while running. I reached the 1 mile mark and the Nike+ Run app reported a 7:48 minute mile. I was overjoyed with emotion and in that dimly lit street I jumped and am not ashamed to admit that fists pump or two might have happened. I continued on my 3 mile loop back to that front porch with only time to think about what had just happened.
 
I now have a much better picture of where I was from a mental perspective; this was not much different than self-sabotage of the past. This pressure, unnecessary pressure at that was causing me to go to a comfortable place. My relationship with food has never been great or even good, hence the reason I was where I was. I thought I had a handle on things and could be “normal” if there ever was such a thing. This last week has taught me a few valuable lessons. My “normal” relationship with food will be a forever evolving process. This will without a doubt happen again and when it does I don’t want to go down this road alone. I need to speak up as soon as I feel like the road is getting slippery. I have a wonderful support group and they need to be utilized to the fullest in times like these. 

To my wonderful and amazing wife. I have to tell you I am so very sorry. All week you were very aware that something was wrong. The thing is I knew something was wrong as well, but couldn’t figure out exactly what the issue my myself. You keep me sane in moments of chaos and I can not thank you enough. Without your support, this journey would not have ever taken place. I love you and am so grateful to have you in my life!