Along my path to a new me I have experienced several bumps in the road. Moments of weakness that are quickly met with feelings of guilt and even disgust. There is a part of me that is very happy with who I am now and what I have accomplished. Losing 180 pounds is nothing not to be proud of and people notice. People notice any weight loss, not just with me but with others as well. Where I am going with this is self-sabotage. I or anyone who loses a noticeable amount of weight often hear many compliments on what we have achieved. There are often conversations that go into “what are you doing different?”, I have even had people that are starting to tell me that I don’t need to lose any more weight. After I hit 266 pounds, I back-tracked slightly. I didn’t gain weight back in fact I have continued to lose. The back-track was from a mental perspective, I am starting to feel comfortable with where I am. It’s very easy to do as each and every day I wake up I am in the best shape of my life. The exercise has never slacked, if anything it has been my saving grace. I continue to push myself in the gym well past my comfort zone with the expectation to reach my goals sooner rather than later. Lets face it, food will always be my number one challenge. I love to eat and love to eat things that are not going to do my body any good. When I say I have had a mental back-track I want to elaborate in hopes that it will shed light on my situation.
I stepped on the scale last week hoping to see the number 268, instead I was greeted with 266. Those two pounds where in my eyes the result of all the extra effort, the second visit to the gym in the same day, the walking away from the break room at work when someone brings cupcakes. Along with those feelings of joy and success comes a little demon that sits on my shoulder. My unconscious voice that is telling me that I have earned some “me” time. Some time to indulge and enjoy the things I used to do daily. I am human, I still have weaknesses. Ice Cream & chips and salsa are my arch enemies! I have never gone back to the fast food or soda and never plan on it. There I sat on Friday night with my wife out to dinner, something we do often. The work week had come to a close and my eating was only what I would consider “ok” for the week. I didn’t eat anything out of my plan, but rather upped the calories by eating more and that wasn’t going to aid in the quest to 225 pounds. I browsed through the menu and quickly skipped the breakfast options ( I usually stick to two eggs poached with a half an avocado and fruit or a salad option) I see the specials and notice fish and chips – a fried delicious masterpiece that was created by the gods to satisfy the taste buds of man.. and woman! There I sat at a cross roads and I chose to listen to that demon, the one that convinced me I had earned the right to enjoy. Even against my wife’s better judgment I ordered it and can honestly say… I didn’t enjoy it near as much as I would have thought! That one choice led to several other poor eating choices throughout the weekend. It’s amazing what you can convince yourself of, I even validated poor choices with skewed facts to give myself reason to continue down a path that had potential for self-destruction. Have I become a politician?
Sunday rolled around, a day that I typically find time for self-reflection and goal planning. I realized that my small choices where compounding and could quickly take me down a path that is all too familiar, one that goes backwards to a life I never want to live again. I have been here before, this is nothing new and it’s all about choices. The choices I make are mine to own up to, I can eat whatever I want but I am the one that has to live with the consequences. I planned on a week of clean eating and going back to the basics. Counting calories and being mindful of what I consume. I shared my thoughts and struggles with a group I meet with Monday mornings and a friend and mentor said something that truly stuck. “Don’t buy into the hype.” It’s so easy to listen to others praises and there is nothing wrong with others applauding your efforts. I truly enjoy sharing my story as you can tell by reading my blog. I love talking to others who are seeking help or inspiration. It’s rewarding for me to give back and with that comes a level of comfort, one that also is accompanied by that little demon! I just have to remember to stay focused, humble, and driven! One day, one ounce at a time…
Until Next Time – Warrior, Training for Wildflower!
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